i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
