Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
