Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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