I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
