If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
