My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
