he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
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It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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