i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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