It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
