new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
