life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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