sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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