I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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