woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
