I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I love you.
Bad choice
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
