my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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