Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
