Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
