my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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