Kiss
Puke
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
