I got chris browned last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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