he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
