my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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