Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
