I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
