Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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