theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
