When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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