I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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