The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
