and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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