you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
