Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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