Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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