someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
