I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
