i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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