I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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