I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
