I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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