Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
