I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
