I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
