If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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