Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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