Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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