my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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