in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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