my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
