I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
