The maid of honor just puked.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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