Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
