I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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