I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Such a big mess for such a small penis
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
