I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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